Off to the scale, which is more like confessional. The second I stood up on that metal platform, I immediately started confessing all of the shortcomings in my diet. The nurse gave me an unsympathetic look that said it all..."Here's a quarter honey. Call someone who cares or go buy another candy bar". I guess I'm not the only one. Next event, paper gown fashion show. Glamorous and breezy, what more could a girl ask for. After enjoying my recyclable outfit for a good 45 minutes with my back to the door, the doctor appeared on the scene. Why do they arrange the room so your back is to the door? Hello, here is my best side come on in!
I swear she must have turned up the heat, because the sight of those rubber gloves made me sweat like a banchee. This is only time I shy from hot pads. You know, the ones so gingerly placed over those shiny stirrups. At this point, I overcompensate by attempting to act normal which in turn makes me act even more abnormal. I start babbling on about the weather, chia pets, American Idol (which I don't really watch), lawn bowling, yada yada. Before I know it, I feel like I am having an out of body experience listening to this crazy who sounds like me. I am so uncool...and hot did I mention hot? Because while yammering on, I started to have every woman's fear of losing control of all body functions at an inopportune time. Oh the shame. Crisis averted. The only thing I couldn't control was my mouth and the doctor isn't paid to tell me to shut it. After tinkering around under my paper tent with her medieval salad tongs, the doctor pretty much pronounced "it's a girl" and was on her way. Yep, I am a girl...I probably could have told you that before the stirrups.