Friday, September 21, 2007

Time Travel

I have officially cornered the market on time travel. I am not referring to the Napoleon Dynamite crotch shocking crowbar. I am talking about going back in time without even leaving your house. Curiosity peaked? It's called cleaning out your closet. Yep, today I walked into my closet and went back in time. I unearthed artifacts dating back to the early 90's. Short of finding Girbaud's, a Unit's ensemble and a neon Bodyglove swimsuit with the zipper, the items I found looked like they belonged on the set of Saved By The Bell. I am pretty sure that 12 years ago, I might have turned Zach Morris' head. But worn now, you might have to report me to the fashion police.

So, why do I hold on to all this stuff? Do I hope it will come back in style? Because some styles were pretty horrendous the first go round. Sentimental value? Future dress ups? (That's always my rationale). Reliving the glory day's- HA!? Even worse, am I still actually wearing it?Whatever the reason, it's time to let go.

Before I entered my time warp of a closet, I set some parameters for purging. Have I worn it in the last year? How shapeless and stained does it need to be for disposal? Do I have a photograph of me wearing it in a yearbook (junior high? high school?)? Does it fit? Does it fit well... or just look okay, but only if I squint, suck in & stand on one leg? Do I feel like a million bucks in it or just sale rack price I paid for it? Am I willing to walk the runway?

You hear about the stages of grief, I think I experienced all of them. SHOCK & DENIAL- I wore this in public? This fit?! I could make this fit. I might need it one day. BARGAINING- It might come back in style? Now that I know this is in my closet, I will totally wear it. G-bean would love this as a dress up. DEPRESSION- How could the fashion gods do this to me? I knew comfort came at a price! ACCEPTANCE- Out with the old, in with the new.

Five bags of clothing later, I am pleased to tell you that I have returned to the year 2007.

Tuesday, September 18, 2007

Off to Neverland

Today I decided that I didn't want to grow up. So, G-bean & I cleaned house, but not in the conventional sense. We fired the cleaning lady, secretary, chauffeur, gardener, cook, and ball-buster (all fancy names for me). From there, I followed the bliss of my 3 year old. Baking cookies at 9 am, building a fort & reading books, finger painting in our skivvies (they don't make princess panties in my size), nap time, playing dress ups (E is not a fan yet), delivering cookies in capes (no need for a maternity test- she loves capes!) know the usual stuff midgets like to do. It was delightful.

Oh, to be 3 years old again. The world looks so different when you are only 3 1/2 feet off the ground. It was refreshing to go on strike from all of the have to's and probably should do's. Being a grown up can be overrated, especially when we forget what it's like to be a kid. I learned things about G-bean I never knew. For instance, fruit snacks are a food group, Dora the explorer is a religion, preschool politics are cruel ('boys with spiky hair are mean') and when she grows up she 'just wants a computer' and 'wants to plant trees'. Who knew? Which made me wonder, what do I want to be when I grow up? Who knows! For now, it's off to Neverland with G-bean, E, Jack & R. No grown ups allowed!

Favorite Quote & Daily Mantra:

"The most important thing she'd learned over the years was that there was no way to be a perfect mother and a million ways to be a good one." Jill Churchill

Sunday, September 16, 2007

Stranger Danger

Just when you felt safe enough to sleep with both eyes closed at night, we have one more thing to worry about. As if the evening news and Lifetime movies didn't already scare us enough, we now have to worry about Internet predators. The world is going to hell in a hand basket!

In an effort to take a bite of crime (no calories), I have changed the names of the characters in my blog. The story lines and people are very real, but their names have been altered to protect them from the big bad blog dogs!

Saturday, September 15, 2007

Contents Under Pressure

Today, I embarked on a futile search... find the perfect pair of jeans. While R & his pint-size fan club were at home painting their faces in anticipation of today's football game, I put on my game face and went shopping.

First and foremost, I am not a shopper. I am especially retail challenged when it comes to dressing yours truly. So as a woman with junk in the trunk, I marched into the store waving my white flag. Thanks to a helpful saleswoman and a large pile of jeans, I was off to the dressing room. As I poured myself in and peeled myself out of those 2 legged contraptions, I couldn't help but giggle at all of the images that came to mind. For example, stuffing a sleeping bag back into it's case; stuffed sausages; muffin tops (aka love handles); unitards; squeezing toothpaste out of a tube; kneading dough; etc.

Okay, so part of my torture was self inflicted. NEVER optimistically exaggerate about your size. It's not like your driver's license where you can still advertise your high school weight. A policeman won't bust you for clearly being 10lbs. over the speed limit, but a saleswoman will. After the appropriate sizes were located, the real work began. Sifting through all of the brands, pocket placements, rhinestones, materials, yada yada, was painful. My neck hurt from checking out my own backside. The whole experience felt like an optical illusion with fun house mirrors, poor lighting, and denim bling. Alas, I could not lay blame on a kinked neck, dressing room, bedazzler, game day hot dog we had for lunch, or my post pregnancy souvenirs (aka loose parts). I could only blame Betty Crocker. She is the one who got me into this mess and was keeping me out of these pants. Betty is never really there when you need her (Sorry, I had to finish my brownie). Why can't we just bring back Levi stretch pants (with stirrups, of course) and call it a day. Well, because that would be like putting on a pair of sweats... too easy.

At the end of the day, I took home some jeans and a few valuable lessons. The moral of the story is denial and blame will not help you find jeans. Humility and acceptance will. Lessons learned from my denim debacle: "Buy jeans for the body you have and not the body you want", "It's not a size, it's a state of mind" and finally "Real women have curves. Wear them like a badge of honor". So now that I have my new jeans, I am going to have a t-shirt made that says 'What would J.Lo do?' Voila! Outfit complete!
**Yahoo! I figured out how to use images from the Internet. For any of you who were secretly wondering but too polite to ask, NO this is not a self portrait.**

Tuesday, September 11, 2007

Goodbye Summer, Hello Fall

Summer has come to a close. Some people can tell by the onslaught of football season and back to school hullabaloo. Me, I can feel Fall in the air. Yep, I am one of those geriatrics that can feel it in their bones. Time to pull out the warm sweaters and retire that itsy bitsy teeny weeny yellow polka dot bikini that never made it out of the drawer (Maybe it will fit next year- HA! I've been saying that since '96). Before I start to fantasize about jumping in piles of leaves, Halloween costumes, and hot chocolate, I must say good bye to summer.

What a few months! We had 1 graduation (R got his MBA- woohoo!), 1 family wedding, 3 new baby cousins (1 set of twins- yikes!), 3 family members move, the passing of our beloved Cleopatra (family dog), and our first camping trip with our girls (when they say don't pee in the wind and pitch your tent on a hill, listen!). The girls, Jack & I hit the road and spent part of the summer on the Lake in Montana. We gave R a road map and invited him to visit. Afterall, someone had to be responsible (and water the plants). Huckleberries, waterskiing, trips to Yellowstone National Park, red cowgirl boots, extended family and bats kept us quite busy. I even started running. If you are ever thinking of taking up running, I suggest you start in grizzly bear country. It's quite motivating. Other highlights were nightly trips to the snoshack, painted toe nails, killer croquet games in the front yard, swimming lessons with G-bean's cute teacher (waterskills for the kids, man candy for the moms), family bike rides, fireworks, inflatable water slides, campfires in the canyon with smores, afternoons at the pool with friends, and so much more. It was a good season. Without even knowing it, we created an end of summer ritual. R ran over G-bean's flip flops with the lawn mower...thus putting an end to the mower and summer apparel. So with that, goodbye Summer, bring on the Fall!

Monday, September 3, 2007

Huddle Up

Football season is upon us. There is an electricity in the air... or perhaps it's the large light up team letter my husband reverently props in our front window. (It's very reminiscent of the leg lamp in the Christmas Story movie- creepy!). Frankly when you live in a U fan neighborhood, it's an open invitation to egg our house. Everywhere you go, fans are flashing their team pride like gang signs. People are dressing with purpose. Forget about blue complimenting the color of your eyes, it's as my husband says "Cougar pride baby!" I'll be honest, I don't get it. The anticipation, the pre-game show, the game, the post game show, the highlights, the phone calls amongst buddies, talkin' sports, and then it all starts over again. I almost have to leave the house when it's game time. Such over the top displays of testosterone make me giggle. Leave the chest pounding and package adjusting to the monkeys at the zoo. Alas, my husband is the biggest ape of them all. His blood runs blue for his beloved Cougars. And now, he is passing his fanaticism onto our children. G-bean now shouts "go Cougars" and "BYU" at odd times of the day. When getting dressed, she asks for her pink shirt with the cat on it. Be very afraid. I was hoping this would be one of those recessive genes that skipped a generation. I guess they haven't come that far with science after all. Well, I guess if you can't beat 'em than join 'em. My compromise, I will be passionate about half time shows and game time treats. Go baton twirlers and hot dogs!

Sunday, September 2, 2007

Cast of Characters

This is us. For some of you, it's been awhile and for others, you might feel that it hasn't been long enough. {Send us your therapist's bill.} Either way, may I present the ring leaders of our circus.

'G-Bean the Dancing Queen'

G-bean prances through life in nothing but princess underpants. She believes the louder you sing, the better it sounds. Her signature move involves head banging while shouting 'rock & roll'. She recently declared that she is "all about Dora, straws, & sparkle donuts." She starts everyday by asking "what is the plan mom?" Believe me, this girl always has a plan or an idea. She loves to cook and do dishes. A true domestic goddess in training. She prefers to paint in the buff, thus keeping her creativity uninhibited. Now that it is September, G-bean along with the rest of us are counting down the days until school, dance and soccer start. Woohoo! It's all about the friends...Mom & Dad are no longer rockstars in her eyes. We are has-beens.

E aka 'twinkle toes or stinky (name assigned lovingly by elder sister)'

E is more magical than unicorns and ligers! She is an easy-going baby even though she lives in constant fear of a 3 1/2 foot red head. She has perfected smiling even when G-bean is putting the WWF smackdown on her. E's favorite pastime is practicing her long jumping abilities in the johnny jumper. She can successfully jump from one room to another. With that momentum, she then tucks her legs and swings. This is a hard core sport people. She has the blisters on her big toes to prove it. In her spare time, she serenades us with gargles or repeated 'dada's and baba's'. Her latest goal is to get a tight grip on both Jack's ears and bite his nose. So far, the dog has escaped her meaty grasp. Lastly, E is now flashing her own personal grill of 2 bottom teeth. Perfect timing for Halloween.

Jack aka 'Jackie Bear or the MANDOG'

Jack loves long walks and swims. He is the David Hasselhoff of dogs when it comes to shaking off after a good swim. He loves to ride in the car and feel the wind through his golden mane. He started at the top of the totem pole and with each child has slowly moved down. He patiently sits still as G-bean & company play doctor, dress him up, or wave all manner of tempting treats under his nose. It's at these times, he has perfected the look that says "I was meant for more that this". To which I respond back, "so was I". j/k To comfort himself, he prefers to sleep with a plush dinosaur named Leroy. You can tell what kind of day he's having by how loud he sighs and plunks down on the wood floor. Other fabulous talents this 100lb. teddy bear has to offer would be snatching little people's food, bobbing for bath toys, spooning humans, rolling in manure, stalking noodle the neighbor's cat, and serving as our ferocious guard dog (HA!). I think he secretly dreams of being discovered at the Dog Park and asked to model on dog food bags.

The Parental Units of this Brood aka R & A

R also enjoys long walks. j/k Because he is so hesitant to participate in this blogging arena, I have decided to embarrass him as much as possible. Ooops, too late. Anyhoo, we serve as the support staff to this motley crew. Most days, we do our best keeping up with our somewhat organized chaos. Other days, we go on strike and see where the wind takes us. Our mantra is "It's about the journey, not the destination." Okay, so destinations are important too, but have fun getting there and bring lots of chocolate.