Today, I embarked on a futile search... find the perfect pair of jeans. While R & his pint-size fan club were at home painting their faces in anticipation of today's football game, I put on my game face and went shopping.
First and foremost, I am not a shopper. I am especially retail challenged when it comes to dressing yours truly. So as a woman with junk in the trunk, I marched into the store waving my white flag. Thanks to a helpful saleswoman and a large pile of jeans, I was off to the dressing room. As I poured myself in and peeled myself out of those 2 legged contraptions, I couldn't help but giggle at all of the images that came to mind. For example, stuffing a sleeping bag back into it's case; stuffed sausages; muffin tops (aka love handles); unitards; squeezing toothpaste out of a tube; kneading dough; etc.
Okay, so part of my torture was self inflicted. NEVER optimistically exaggerate about your size. It's not like your driver's license where you can still advertise your high school weight. A policeman won't bust you for clearly being 10lbs. over the speed limit, but a saleswoman will. After the appropriate sizes were located, the real work began. Sifting through all of the brands, pocket placements, rhinestones, materials, yada yada, was painful. My neck hurt from checking out my own backside. The whole experience felt like an optical illusion with fun house mirrors, poor lighting, and denim bling. Alas, I could not lay blame on a kinked neck, dressing room, bedazzler, game day hot dog we had for lunch, or my post pregnancy souvenirs (aka loose parts). I could only blame Betty Crocker. She is the one who got me into this mess and was keeping me out of these pants. Betty is never really there when you need her (Sorry, I had to finish my brownie). Why can't we just bring back Levi stretch pants (with stirrups, of course) and call it a day. Well, because that would be like putting on a pair of sweats... too easy.
At the end of the day, I took home some jeans and a few valuable lessons. The moral of the story is denial and blame will not help you find jeans. Humility and acceptance will. Lessons learned from my denim debacle: "Buy jeans for the body you have and not the body you want", "It's not a size, it's a state of mind" and finally "Real women have curves. Wear them like a badge of honor". So now that I have my new jeans, I am going to have a t-shirt made that says 'What would J.Lo do?' Voila! Outfit complete!
**Yahoo! I figured out how to use images from the Internet. For any of you who were secretly wondering but too polite to ask, NO this is not a self portrait.**
11 comments:
April, you crack me up! Will you please blog every day so I can have my daily laugh? Jean shopping is definately a depressing thing. Why do I always see people that look so cute in their jeans? Where do they find them? Maybe I'm making the mistake of "optimistically exaggerating" my size. Props to you for taking on the challenge of jean buying. You are an inspiration to all.
P.S. Betty is evil, isn't she!
Whatever, I KNOW that you still sport the red bra w/ the G's...
Ha ha ha. I love your honestly and you couldn't have hit jean shopping more squarely on the head!
That picture is terrible. Be grateful it is not you! Thanks for entertaining all of us with something that we can all relate too. You were brave to embark at the quest alone. I might have dragged you along with me to make such an important decision!!!
Like you Joni would ever have a problem finding a pair of jeans! Your what, a size 0? We love you April! You are so witty, I'll have to get some lessons!
If YOU have junk in the trunk i must have a WHOLE DUMPSTER!! Give me a break skinny one. And Brooke? I don't even want to go there. Check out Maurices at S.Towne Mall. They are only $30 and quite cute I think. As cute as they can be on me anyway.
You are hilarious! I agree! About the reality check- I think when I admit my real size- I feel more comfortable and think that one day I might be able to shrink a couple of sizes. Oh- and baking cookies makes me feel better too...(maybe that is my problem???)
OK, laughing out loud here! 'Tis so, so true, and very sad.
BTW- Are Betty Crocker brownies fattening? I had no idea.
p.s. i got those jeans altered and they are my favorite! so glad i went for it!
I think that photo is a picture of yours truly that somehow landed on the internet...JK but seriously...could jean shopping (or any shopping) be any less fun then after 2 kids and too much cookie dough? Love ya...you still make me laugh :)
Am I a bad friend for secretly wishing that was a picture of you? Would have made this supersized momma feel a bit better about herself.
Very, very funny! You are darling. I agree with Brooke, you need to keep blogging daily so I can get my giggle going.
HI April, my sister Kristen called me and told me I HAD to read this post! She knew I would get a good laugh...and she was right! Good to know we all feel the same way about jean shopping! The only thing worse is swim suit shopping!!
I am just dang glad that the G's are slick, otherwise I would have been stuck many a time!!
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